Birth Mother Journal

Month Two

I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I never thought this would happen to me. I took a pregnancy test last night because I’ve missed my period the last couple of months, and when the red plus sign on the test showed up I screamed so loud. I took a second test and it showed positive again. I haven’t told anyone yet. I just want it to go away. Maybe it was a false positive?

I think I’m going to go to the clinic later this week to get a blood test done and find out for sure. I don’t even know what to do. What am I going to tell my family if I am pregnant? They won’t understand. I haven’t seen Joe in two months and I don’t know if I even want to get back together with him. I have a million thoughts going through my head. I don’t have time to deal with this right now. I’m supposed to be focusing on midterms. OK, I think I’ll go to the clinic and just see from there.

Month Three

I didn’t realize I hadn’t written in almost a month. I finally went to the clinic earlier this week and the doctor did a bunch of testing. I am already 13 weeks pregnant! I am still barely showing so I was shocked that I’m that far along. After I left the doctor’s office, I went back to my car and just sat there. I’ve never felt so alone. I knew I was pregnant from the test I took at home but this made it real. I haven’t told my parents or the baby’s father. I’ve only told my two best friends.

Part of me wants to have this baby but it doesn’t seem possible for me to care for a baby right now. I have so much ahead of me or at least I thought I did. The doctor talked to me about options, including adoption. It’s something that I talked to my friend about because her cousin gave her baby up for adoption. I took a brochure for Adoption Resources in Waltham. I’m nervous to call them but it’s just a call, right? They can’t take my baby away from me unless I want that. I’m still so scared but I just have to face reality and move forward.

Month Four

I still haven’t called the adoption agency. I’m not sure what I want to do yet. Sometimes I think it’s all a dream and if I close my eyes and open them I won’t be pregnant anymore. Obviously that’s not going to happen but I wish I wasn’t in this situation. I’m feeling every possible emotion right now. I’m scared one minute and then I’m happy the next minute. I feel like people know that I’m pregnant but that’s probably just in my head. I will figure it out. I think I just need some time.

Month Five

It’s been awhile since I last wrote. I am obviously showing now and had to tell my parents. They were upset at first and sort of excited, too. It has all been really confusing. After lots of talking and crying, they reassured me that they want what is best for me and said they will support whatever decision I make. The hardest part has been trying to figure out what I want.

I finally got around to calling Adoption Resources and spoke with a counselor named Marty. She was really nice and understanding. Marty reassured me that I was not alone and explained to me the process of giving up my baby for adoption. I was completely surprised to learn that every adoption plan is different and that I could choose to have an open adoption.

I asked her what makes an open adoption different and she said that I could choose the family who would adopt my child, I could spend time with the family during my pregnancy, and they could even be with me at the hospital when I give birth. I will also be able to see my child and the adoptive family over the years. I never knew that I could have such input and control over the process, and I started to feel better about going through with the pregnancy and giving my baby up for adoption. I’m going to meet with Marty at Starbuck’s at the end of the week and talk more. This still feels like a rollercoaster but I feel a little better hearing about the different options.

Month Six

I’ve been working with Marty at Adoption Resources for a few weeks now. She’s great. I was very nervous meeting her the first time but as soon as we met, I started to feel better. She was calm and warm and answered all my questions. She really explained the whole adoption process to me and seemed to get my concern that my baby would go to a safe home. All of the adoptive parents go through a long and detailed application process with background checks.

Marty also urged me to keep talking about it with my friends and family before making my final decision about giving up my baby for adoption. She then told me something that I had not even considered – that I had to tell the baby’s father about the pregnancy if I choose to go the adoption route! This made me really nervous because I haven’t talked to him in a while and I don’t know how he will take me telling him I think I want to give the baby up for adoption. I’m going to call him and talk to him on the phone about it.

Month Seven

A lot has happened in the last month. I don’t even know where to begin. I texted Joe that I needed to talk to him on the phone and he kept asking me what I wanted to talk about. I almost wanted to just text him that I’m pregnant but I didn’t think that was fair to do over text message. It was really awkward on the phone. We caught up a little and he told me he has been seeing someone for the past three months. When I finally told him why I wanted to talk, he didn’t respond for a couple of seconds. I was like, “Hello? Joe?” and he just said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I told him I have been giving it a lot of thought and I wanted to adopt out my baby. I didn’t ask him but told him my plan and asked for his support on this. He ultimately said that he respected me and if I was not ready to take care of a baby then he was definitely not ready or able. I told him about picking a family for the baby and he said he trusted my judgment. He just wanted to see me. He actually came by that night. I guess he wanted to see me to fully believe it. He touched my belly and kept saying he was sorry. He said he would sign whatever paperwork the agency needed and he would like to have the updates about the baby held at the agency for when he was ready to get them, maybe in a few years. I don’t think he was going to tell anyone about it now and that is his choice.

I met with Marty the day after I saw Joe and I was surprisingly okay. She was really happy to hear that I was able to talk to him. She brought me four photo books from adoptive families that she thought I would like. They were amazing to look through. Each one had a letter written out to me and they had lots of photos of themselves and their families and friends. The last one she showed me really stood out to me for some reason. They reminded me of my family and I just felt comfortable with them. Marty is going to set up a time for me to meet with them. I hope I like them in person as much as I liked them in their book. And I hope they like me!

Month Eight

I met the family a couple of weeks ago and we really hit it off. They are very nice people who were not able to have a child themselves. I feel even better about giving the baby up for adoption because I know how much they want a child and I am able to help them. They said that they wanted me to be open with them and decide what the birth process looks like and what our relationship looks like in the future. Right now, I want them there in the hospital to meet the baby right after she’s born. And I want to be in the baby’s life, in some way. I want her to know who I am and want to be able to watch her as she grows up. We also talked about respecting each other’s privacy and lives. We exchanged email addresses. We have been emailing a little bit and I’m planning on seeing them again with Marty as we get closer to the due date.

Month Nine

Since having the baby, I’ve been so busy with school and work that I haven’t had time to write. I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl last week! Eight pounds!  I let her adoptive parents name her and they stayed in a room in the hospital while I was in recovery. The hospital let them stay overnight in an empty room on the maternity floor. That way we could all see the baby and spend time together.  They named her Lily and they are really natural with her. I stayed in the hospital for three days. Joe ended up coming to the hospital to meet Lily and Marty and the family. I can’t believe he came but he showed up.

When the time came to go home, it was hard and I didn’t want to leave the hospital. Marty drove me home and it was helpful to talk to her about what to expect. Once I got home, I really didn’t have anyone. It was the first time that it sunk in and I just lay in bed and did not want to get up and face anything or anyone. In some ways, I think it was good for me to have that time alone. I am still sad about it but I know I made the right decision for Lily.

The day after I came home, Marty came to see. We talked for a while and I decided I was ready to sign the adoption papers. It was hard but my mom was with me, which helped. Joe had also signed his papers. Marty met him at a restaurant near his work. He still hasn’t told anyone.

I know I will feel better when I get back to school and my old life. I got my first bunch of photos and a wonderful letter two weeks after Lily was born. It was good to see how big she looks and how happy her adoptive parents seem. They also sent me a photo of the three of us and Lily from the hospital. I am so happy to have that photo.  I think we are going to try for an open adoption and I am going to see them in a couple of months. Marty is helping us plan this and has been able to continue to meet. While the last several months have been crazy and hard, I am grateful that Lily is being raised in a safe, loving home and that I will be a part of her life.